Tuesday, June 20, 2006

In The Middle

I'm definitely not a middle child. And I think I will NEVER learn how to spell definitely on my own. (Sorry, that is something that has frustrated me for quite some time now.) Anyway, as I was saying, not a middle child. Usually not in the middle of things. I am enough choleric that I usually see things fairly black and white. Someone is right or wrong. I want to do something or not. But a fight between two of my friends showed me that it's not always that way. I don't know why I'm taking it so hard, because they were never really friends. I think the thing that's hardest for me, is that neither of them seem wrong. (Granted neither of them seem much right either! :P) I feel like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof. "He's right and he's right." "What do you mean? They can't both be right." "You're right." Ahhh!!

And not just in the little things. I've always known what I wanted to do with my life. Up until I was 14 or 15, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I hit a little thing called advanced math. I realized that I was mildly good at writing and pretty good at history. After a brief, and I do mean brief, period of confusion, I finally decided that I either wanted to teach English to high schoolers or history to college students. I was going to join the National Guard and go to SDSU. Then I found out about Christendom. So my college changed. Then I got sick and couldn't join the Guards. Pretty much as soon as I got to Christendom, I realized English was not for me. This year I realized that I really liked philosophy and maybe I didn't like history so much. *shrug* Plans changed again. This time, it isn't so black and white. It's weird not having a plan.

I wrote all this earlier in the evening. I took a break and walked the dog. It was getting a little too, this-is-my-life, for my taste. My poor dog. He's been getting really fat and I don't think he's ever walked that much in his whole life. Well, I take that back, he accompanied me a few times on my Army training runs. Anyway, I wondered around for awhile trying to figure out what in the hell I was going to do with my life. After awhile I realized that I don't know. I just don't know. But after wandering around some more, I realized that it was ok. I'm not saying that I should be a bum my whole life and live on my mother's couch. But I don't need to move out any time soon. I do have a home. (See one of my very first posts on this stupid blog.) And even if I don't know what the plan for my life is, I know that there is one. I started thinking about going to doctor after doctor. That got me thinking about my biology teacher, who has skin cancer. Today she told us that she can barely get through class and then get home to her couch before she collapses. Tears sprang to my eyes, because I could see in her the same weariness and hopelessness I have felt so many times. As I was thinking this, I realized I was walking in the direction of Sacred Heart Cemetery. I decided to go visit my aunt. I hadn't been to her grave since she was burried six years ago. After battling breast cancer for almost six years, with a young daughter, I figured she'd know a thing or two about the uncertaincies of life. As I neared the street that I needed to turn on to get to the cemetery, I noticed a sign that said No Outlet. I chuckled to myself about the irony of a cemetery being on a dead end. Once I got there, I wasn't able to find her grave site. Not supprising, since I'd only been there once and that was six years ago. But it was really awesome to walk through the cemetery. Finally it was getting dark, and as I walked home, I realized the sign was wrong. There was to an outlet. There might be bodies in the ground awaiting the Second Coming, but their determinate dimensions were somewhere else. Yup. One day at a time.

2 Comments:

Blogger Scarcely Human said...

You make a nice, deep post, and all I can say is this.

THANK YOU!! I ALWAYS have trouble spelling "definitely". I usually try to put an "a" in there for whatever reason... bizzare.

Also, I laughed at your previous college prospect because it looks like "SUDSU". Sudsu, as we all know, is a tall glass of milk with gummy bears in it.

Mmm... Sudsu...

7:52 AM  
Blogger Learning to be Alone said...

I had two thoughts on reading this post: 1) I know exactly what you mean about having all your old plans thrown up in your face, so you don't know which way is up and which way is down anymore. From the time I was 14 years old, I was going to be a nun, I was going to know Theology really well, I was going to write books on it, and I was going to teach it to whoever I could get in a classroom. Well! I'm thinking the nun idea was mine and not God's; I've decided to study Philosophy instead, and Theology has become a "maybe, we'll see..." sort of thing; I'm not even sure that I want to teach! What's going on??
2) I love your mention of the irony of the "No outlet" sign on the road leading to the cemetary. And how do you spell cemetary? I don't have too many issue with definitely, but cemetary kills me. Like monastery. Anyway. I love cemetaries, and I wish there was one near me that was actually accessible by foot. All our cemetaries are along major highways, so they can be glimpsed from the road, but not exactly wandered about in... at least not peacably.

Anyway. Random thoughts. God bless you, dear.

8:43 PM  

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