These last two years have been very different than the other years of my life. It's funny, I wanted to join the Army so badly before, and even after I got sick. One of the things basic training does, is tear you down and build you back up the way they want. I feel like, even though I haven't had to get up at 3 or 4 in the morning or do push ups until I fall on my face or get hit with bars of soap in socks (really, they do that) or anything like that, I feel like I've gone through my own basic training.
Lately, especially, I've grown increasingly distraught about my future. I don't know what kind of job I can get, physically. And it's not like I'm rolling in money. I'm pretty far in debt with my two years of higher education thus far. And after two more, I'm not sure what I'm going to be able to do as far as paying that back. I know my mom will do everything she can to help, but she is mortal and has her own bills and limitations. (That do not
allow for paying back private college tuition and large medical bills.) I was beginning to (only half jokingly) think that my only option was going to be marrying a very, very
One night I was laying in bed. I was thinking about what I used to have in life. A GPA most students would give their left leg for, a plan after high school that was attainable, interesting and challenging, a good relationship with my mother, a flexible job at a stable that I loved
, wonderful friends, pride in being able to do things for myself, a spot in my school that was neither too high as to have too much pressure, nor too low that it was demeaning, a nice spot in my church community as the girl who knew things and was the really, really good Catholic, two wonderful dogs and a crazy cat, and the ability to come and go as I pleased, and most importantly a wonderful and flourishing relationship with God. In short, I had it good
. I had no reason to suspect change.
In the past two years, my GPA has plummeted. I'm now jumping for joy that it's finally at 2. something again. Not a . something. (That was bad!) My relationship with my mom suffered to the point where I contemplated running away, dropping out of school and living on a friend's couch so as to have no contact with her. I haven't been on a horse more than once (and that was dud), much less do things like train them or clean stalls. I haven't wanted to be around my friends who knew me before I got sick, because I didn't want them to see me helpless and have lost touch with or have a shaky relationship with many because of that. And those who have stood by me and helped, I feel indebted to and I have no idea how to repay. I've had to ask for help in things like getting dressed, walking, and eating. (Believe me, there's nothing like having a friend put on your bra for you or feed you supper.) I've had to find a completely new spot in a school where I'm not really near the top. I'm around a bunch of people who are working hard at sainthood and am more one of the "bad kids" than the good in comparison. Thankfully my animals are still alive, but after two years away from them, save a few months, the relationship is way different. And most of all, have gotten very angry with God for not letting me be a nun.
Many of these things happen to a normal teenager/young adult at some point or another. Some things only happen to a few. And some people have way worse things happen. As these things piled up, I realized I was being striped of all the earthly things that were not so important, so I could focus on what is not
earthly as is so very important. After wallowing in the pit of self pity and consouling myself with the, "there are children dying in Africa" senario, I am, slowly, trying to let God build me back up. I figure if it took two years to take away the unimportant things, it will take much longer to build up the important ones, but I guess I'm ready to start. I take solace in the fact that God is gentle. I am very happy to know that I am really, truly working towards the good. I think about the girl who went to Christendom having never visited nor even seen a photo, having only talked via e-mail to her "big sister" a few times and a seminarian who went there for a semester. Who stepped on the campus for the first time in August of 2004 wondering which building was St. Lawrence Commons and was scared to death, but was there on God's say so, so she knew it would be okay. Yea, I think I could learn much from her. I told one of my friends that I thought my life was going to be a grand adventure. I think it will be. Especially if God doesn't tell me where I'm going in August untill March. But hey, it's worked so far! :P